Is there no place in God’s fold for you? Join your fellow Apostates for a sacrilegious sacrament that will make your heathen heart howl with delight! The Jack Mormon Comedy Hour is my attempt at making lemonade, scratch that, a whiskey sour outta the lemon that is growing up Mormon.
Fall General Conference in BOISE is honored to be hosted by The Balcony Club & will feature some incredible sinners!
Revealed to you by:
Krystal Moore – Self-Proclaimed-Prophet
Merry Cole – Relief Society President
Danni Petersen – Ward Choir Director
Myles Mathews – That Kid in Primary with a Bag of Goldfish on Fast & Testimony Sunday
Lyxx Atomic – The Ghost of a Witch Baptized by a Mormon Kid
Mock Testimony Meeting immediately after the show! Come & bear your true testimony!
Being the quiet, shy girl in school; there is less than an audience that notices you. Apart from the occasional joke poked in your direction or the scholastic award.
Imagine my surprise when a young man made me the center of teasing and high school boy shenanigans. Every day for weeks I would find myself parched and desperately in need of water. Naturally, I would venture to the water fountain and while quenching my thirst would find my face dripping with water having had my head pushed directly into the stream of water by the aforementioned boy.
Eventually, I learned to hold my thirst until class had started. I would use my potty passes to go to the watering hole in hopes of avoiding the wonder ninja who had mastered the art of sneaking up on me. My efforts in incognito quenching where entirely futile for this boy had made it his personal mission in life to know when I was thirsty.
Relentlessly and mercilessly he would see to it that my face ended up in that water fountain on a daily basis. At this point in my young life, I had not yet learned that high school aged boys were notoriously backward. When they like you, they tormented you ceaselessly.
Now picture my delight when I creep out into the hallway and find this boy drinking from the water fountain… Muahahaha! This is my golden opportunity for revenge. This is my chance to give this boy a taste of his own medicine and I am not about to waste this chance. This once in a lifetime opportunity to make sure this kid knows exactly how it feels to be quenching one’s thirst and end up surprisingly and unexpectedly with a face full of water.
I crept up like a fuckin’ ninja. Like a ninja in the night, put my hand on the back of his head and pushed his face into the water with a feeling of triumph and glory… That is until he wretched around an expression of surprise and pain on his face, blood gushing out of his mouth soiling his hot orange shirt along with the water spout and freshly polished hallway.
I was horrified, first of all, I didn’t realize I was that strong, second of all I didn’t want to maim the kid, just teach him a lesson. I felt awful. Instantly and frantically I rushed to the bathroom for paper towels. I was mortified, but he was not upset it was as if my sudden orneriness affirmed his undying love for me and his amusement paired with his need for pampering won my heart in one foul swoop of unexpected young and innocent love. So that this boy who had been a thorn in my side, was suddenly a rose amongst the thorns.
It’s funny the things that cause you to change your perspective in life. Water in the face, bleeding gums, whatever floats your boat.
Moral of the story: if you want to catch a fair lady, never stop making her wet.