Heart Breaker

For the most part, I think that people don’t want to hurt each other.  Whether we break the heart or have it broken.  It is painful on both ends.  It is the loss of hope.  Because that is what any intimate relationship really is, hope. Hope that we won’t die alone, hope that we are accepted as we are, and hope that we got someone who’s got our back.  Lost hope sucks don’t it?  How can the other not see yourself anymore?

As much as people don’t really want to hurt each other, the stronger desire is to not feel pain.  We build walls around ourselves to protect ourselves from this pain we are so afraid of.  Whether it was in love the first shot was fired or school-aged bullying… we all have holes in the armor.  And the chinks, give us all a complex.  I don’t think we even mean to give them that much power and yet we do.

With each spear, we grow an even greater need to seek affirmation, a greater need to be loved.  We seek this love out as we seek out food or water or air.  We need it to thrive, and so we are destined to thirst for acceptance and connection; it puts us in harm’s way and it causes us to inadvertently harm others.

There was a boy in school who used to pick on me every day, he went out of his way to push my face into the water fountain.  I lived in fear of this boy’s constant ridicule and the public laughs he choreographed in my direction.  One day I caught him at the drinking fountain… and shoved his face into the water fully prepared to laugh in revenge… He wretched around blood gushing from his gums, an expression of pain on his face.  I saw vulnerability and for the first time, I felt love.

I could see then, this boy had a crush on me; but I could see that he, like the rest of us, had a feeble complex too.  He did not have the courage to just tell me… Why?

Because the fear of letting me see him for who he was, and not accept him; could be the moment of vulnerability that could ceaselessly destroy him.

We forget that the person closest to our hearts is ourselves.  The only one truly capable of knowing, accepting and loving the soul within is the one inside… It is knowing, accepting and loving ourselves that draws love from others, because we are mirrors to one another.

As Fitzgerald saw in Gatsby, I see in the boy; “And so our hopes beat on, boats against the current, born back ceaselessly into the past.”

A Faint Heart Never Caught A Fair Lady

Being the quiet, shy girl in school; there is less than an audience that notices you. Apart from the occasional joke poked in your direction or the scholastic award.
Imagine my surprise when a young man made me the center of teasing and high school boy shenanigans. Every day for weeks I would find myself parched and desperately in need of water. Naturally, I would venture to the water fountain and while quenching my thirst would find my face dripping with water having had my head pushed directly into the stream of water by the aforementioned boy.
Eventually, I learned to hold my thirst until class had started. I would use my potty passes to go to the watering hole in hopes of avoiding the wonder ninja who had mastered the art of sneaking up on me. My efforts in incognito quenching where entirely futile for this boy had made it his personal mission in life to know when I was thirsty.
Relentlessly and mercilessly he would see to it that my face ended up in that water fountain on a daily basis. At this point in my young life, I had not yet learned that high school aged boys were notoriously backward. When they like you, they tormented you ceaselessly.
Now picture my delight when I creep out into the hallway and find this boy drinking from the water fountain… Muahahaha! This is my golden opportunity for revenge. This is my chance to give this boy a taste of his own medicine and I am not about to waste this chance. This once in a lifetime opportunity to make sure this kid knows exactly how it feels to be quenching one’s thirst and end up surprisingly and unexpectedly with a face full of water.
I crept up like a fuckin’ ninja. Like a ninja in the night, put my hand on the back of his head and pushed his face into the water with a feeling of triumph and glory… That is until he wretched around an expression of surprise and pain on his face, blood gushing out of his mouth soiling his hot orange shirt along with the water spout and freshly polished hallway.
I was horrified, first of all, I didn’t realize I was that strong, second of all I didn’t want to maim the kid, just teach him a lesson. I felt awful. Instantly and frantically I rushed to the bathroom for paper towels. I was mortified, but he was not upset it was as if my sudden orneriness affirmed his undying love for me and his amusement paired with his need for pampering won my heart in one foul swoop of unexpected young and innocent love. So that this boy who had been a thorn in my side, was suddenly a rose amongst the thorns.
It’s funny the things that cause you to change your perspective in life. Water in the face, bleeding gums, whatever floats your boat.
Moral of the story: if you want to catch a fair lady, never stop making her wet.